I've decided that writing would help me and possibly help others who are going through a tough time....I love the idea of a blog but as you can see, I am not the best at keeping up with it! Something today whispered..."writing may help" so, here I am and here I go. This entry comes before a week that I have been dreading since Kenadee passed away, Mother's Day...I choose to honor Kenadee this week by sharing the final days of her life....Pardon all of the rows of periods and errors...I am typing as my brain is thinking ;).
The Day Before & The Day Of...
In ways that ER visit/hospital admit seemed just like any other & in ways it was very different. We'd known for a while..or maybe had this feeling..that Kenadee was declining in a way that we had not seen before. The hospice nurse had came out just a few more times that week or maybe it was Kenadee's breathing was just a little bit worse than normal. I didn't really want to share this "feeling" with anyone because what if this was just another one of Kenadee-is-not-doing-well times that I felt like the last 4 years of my life had been composed of? We were in the er, where they did x-rays of her lungs (a normal thing with us and the ER), and we couldn't getting her breathing under control. Think of how fast you breathe after you've ran a long ways (wait...I've never done that) or exercised (that sounds better). We were admitted and the pediatrician (not Kenadee's primary but they all knew us very well) came to talk to us. We looked at the x-ray together and this was the worst one that she had had yet. Her lungs were nearly full of fluid and she was only able to use a little bit of her lungs, which would explain the breathing fast and her working so hard. To look at her was literally sickening, to see someone suffering so much takes your breath away, especially when it is your own child. I had always felt "sorry" that Kenadee didn't get to do things that other kids got to but I'd never felt like she was suffering. That day was a whole new story. My baby was hurting and struggling and there was nothing that any nurse, doctor, or pastor could do. Her temperature was out of control and nothing was helping, her oxygen was up to nearly 6 times her normal amount. This time was different, this time was worse. The attending pediatrician called Kenadee's primary doctor and he came to see her and talk to us. He told us he thought it was time to take her to the hospice house. Dennis and I didn't want to go there, Mercy was our home...where it all began...where we had spent tons of nights...where our family was...Little did we know, God already had it all taken care of. We wanted to do what her doctors thought was best so, we agreed to take her. Within 20 minutes of that agreement, Kenadee was gone. Hospice was concerned that she wasn't stable enough to be transported....in other words, God was holding our hands. At that point, it was almost hard for me to be in the room with her because I couldn't stand to watch her suffer...it was indescribable. I walked into the room and immediately fell to my knees, screaming, "she's gone, she's gone." I felt in my heart that this was it....Somehow, doctors and nurses lifted me to the bed and put Kenadee in my arms. I had tried this before but her temperature 105 and holding her just made her more uncomfortable. We were surrounded by family and doctors/nurses that were family to us. Sometimes, I wonder if I am thankful that I was holding her when she took her last breath but other times....I hate that that is what I see and hear when I close my eyes at night.I didn't grow up in church, there is so much that I don't get. One thing that I know is true is that God is real and He is with us when we need Him most. Right before Kenadee passed away, I had this feeling run through my body...like I had hit my funny bone & that my entire body was a funny bone....like getting the chills but totally different...a feeling that I've never had before, one that I hope to never have again. All of the sudden, the room filled with more people and I am not even sure how they knew. We wanted to take Kenadee where she would be going next (I don't like to say the words) but we had to ride with a coroner (some legal stuff or ?). Our pastor and neurologist helped us carry Kenadee outside....it felt like God was carrying us...I now understood what it meant to "feel God's love and presence." Our pastor was nearly carrying Dennis as he carried Kenadee...this was God literally carrying us in the hardest moments.
Today at church, our pastor talked about lifelines & tough moments. He told Kenadee's story, which made my heart stop because I love for her story to be told, and he talked about the church. I am convinced, far more than ever before, that God is real and that His love for us is unstoppable. Our pastor was with us as we carried our angel and left her at a scary place, he was with us making plans that no parent should ever have to, & he is still with us. I felt like it was God in the flesh. As this Mother's Day approaches, maybe you could be a lifeline for another mom that needs you.. I hope to be someones lifeline someday & help them through lifes toughest moments. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other....
God bless you Lacie and Dennis/ I think in that moment, when your precious angel changed addresses, God finally has let you and Dennis see what he was "birthing" in you through her. A ministry to help others where you have been, where in a way, I suspect parents who have suffered the loss of a child, always remain; I suspect they just learn how to reach out to others and to listen to God's voice as he carves out the new reality of life. You are selfless. You have been blessed and you are blessing others even now. This blog is but one step.
ReplyDeleteLacie, I'm not sure you remember me. You used to come into the office when I worked at Precision Cutter & Tool and your dad worked there. We'd color together and sometimes I had a toy or two to help you stay occupied until Dad got off work. I could never have imagined back then that you would have to endure the unimaginable trials you have been through. As I read your blog I see that God has brought you from a young, sweet girl to a remarkable, caring and loving woman who now has another purpose in life and that is to reach out to hurting parents whose children are going through terrible circumstances. I don't know your husband, but I see a kind and gentle man who has endured this hardship with you. There are no answers on this earth to these strange trials some people have to endure, but that is what faith is all about. It doesn't require much faith to believe in God when all is well and our lives are going smoothly. It's when these terrible, unfair, evil things come that we question, "God, where are you". My heart was lightened as you spoke of feeling God near and carrying you through that unbelievable grief. I know next weekend will be tougher than I even want to imagine, but you are no less a mother today than you were this time last year. Once a mother, always a mother. Some people's children live in lands far away where they see very little of them because their children have chosen to work or some circumstance has taken them some distance. Your child did not choose to leave you. But memories will comfort you as God walks by your side. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and I think doing this blog to deal with your grief is a wonderful thing, both for you and for others who may some day be in your shoes. And for those of us who sometimes fail to be grateful for what we have, we need to realize our lives could change in a moment. God bless and keep you. These comments are meant for Dennis as well as I know his heart is no less broken than yours. Give him my condolences as well.
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